Introduction To A Critical Review of Dr. Phil's Advice
If we truly want to solve our relationship struggles then we must understand the notion of equality within the relationship, the ultimate goal of equality. The only way we can do this is by finally discarding the notion that men and women are different. This is true biologically but not psychologically.
Thanks to Freud’s conclusion that our behavior is determined by our biology the psychology industry has yet to understand the psychological elements of the relationship. We need to look no further than the article Dr. Phil published in the June 2003 issue of Oprah Magazine in an article entitled Dr. Phil’s MANual.
Details:
06/03 – Article In Oprah Magazine
The reality is that relationships are psychological experiences. After all, what
is the objective of the relationship for both men and women? Isn’t the objective for each to have a happy, healthy, loving, compassionate, empathetic, equal, objective, fair, compromising, patient, moral, wonderful relationship? The simple fact is that both men and women know how to think and feel and the very notion of equality is that both get to share in each. Well, not if you read this article.
The problem within our relationships today is the simple fact that men have had control over women since the dawn of civilization. Yes, it is as clear and simple as that. As a result men have controlled the thinking side of the relationship while the women controlled the feeling side. The only way we are going to resolve the conflicts that lead to divorce is by letting both men and women share both thinking and feeling.
The other most significant point is that the only way two people can have a happy relationship together is for them to be happy with themselves first. Do we get that from the esteemed Dr.’s article? Not even close. In fact he justifies the unhappiness of men and women while also justifying men maintaining control over the thinking part of the relationship.
Dr. Phil does begin the article by saying that his female audience wants a man who is “a caring supporter,” that they want a man who gives them “safety, fidelity, and intimacy”. In other words, women want men who can feel.
So how does he explain away the fact that men can’t feel instead of writing about how to help men to feel? “The level of intimacy you want is, for many of us males, totally foreign and unnatural.” Even worse he explains that men feeling is “as bizarre to us as it would be to you if we asked you to stand in the yard scratching your crotch, burping, and spitting every 30 seconds.” Now that sounds logical!
He then justifies the unhappiness of women by saying that men are different than women. Men are different because they “express their feelings through the currency they value.” In other words, he is using the illogical circular logic that men want to contribute through want they think they offer. “Maybe it’s money, time, his car.”
And how does he help women overcome their unhappiness. First by simply asking the women if they are “expecting the wrong thing,” or “failing to recognize that he is giving me what I want,” or “asking this man to give me something he just doesn’t have.” In other words, if women are unhappy with themselves then they simply don’t recognize it yet or it’s the man’s fault. The conclusion is that the man is simply different than her and, oh well sorry. In addition he rationalizes that if the woman is unhappy her path to happiness will occur “if you’ll just recognize it.” Now that is advice.
Next he does say that men who are unhappy have trouble opening up their feelings because they are afraid. He then states that men who are afraid become defensive and “will actively seek to alienate you,” and that women should discuss the fear. Unfortunately, there is where the logic ends.
What is his advice for helping women get men who are unhappy open up and discuss their unhappiness? By blaming the women! He asks the women to ask themselves if the are “in fact rejecting him,” or “sending him messages that say ‘You are inferior and undesirable,” or “making him so low on your priority list that he has no choice but to conclude that he is undesirable and has been rejected.” Again, this advice will most certainly help with the problem.
Believe it or not, but next he justifies men and their power. “Men have been raised to live out a male stereotype.” He does state that “maybe big boys don’t cry, but grown men do,” implying that men will eventually learn how to feel. So what does he advise his female audience to do to get a man to open up their feelings? He recommends that they don’t think. All women need to do to solve conflicts is “by knowing that the problem has been recognized and that her emotional circumstances have been acknowledged.” After all “men are socialized to measure their own value in terms of how much power and control they have,” and that “they are indeed threatened by women’s competency.”
So what happens when men try to exert control over the relationship? Well thanks to Men Are From Mars we know that they go into their cave. And we also know that women tend to chase them into their cave. So what is his recommendation for getting an angry man out of his cave? He recommends that you do this by having a nice touchy-feely conversation with him. In other words, don’t think, feel. After all, women need their men to “be a partner and a soft place for you to fall.”
He finishes by advising the reader in typical Freudian logic. Wouldn’t anyone who understands common sense conclude that the objective of intimacy is to make love not to have sex? Well, since men have to have control they are unable to be emotional enough to make love so they simply have sex. After all when it comes to sex, “for most men, it’s primarily physical.” Well “their brains are actually wired that way, which is very different from your own wiring.”
He even, in a roundabout way, justifies men cheating on their wives or girlfriends. If men “are having an extramarital affair or an extra-relational affair, they probably look at it as if they are going and taking something from a woman, not giving something of themselves away.” So what advice does he give women for keeping their men faithful? Women can “program out a considerable risk of unfaithfulness by investing energy in…your appearance and the level of sexual activity in your relationship.”
No I am not making this stuff up. Get your own copy of the June edition of Oprah Magazine and check it out for yourself.
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