Introduction:

Needless to say, the quantity of books written by professionals on the topic of relationships is extremely large. Included are ten more relationship books that went into the research of this project.

They are: Fighting For Your Marriage, The Best-Selling Marriage Enhancement and Divorce Prevention Book by Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., Scott M. Stanley, Ph.D., Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D., Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman, Ph.D., The Dance Of Anger, A Woman’s Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., How Can I Get Through To You, Reconnecting Men And Women by Terrence Real, Ph.D., Conscious Loving, The Journey To Co-Commitment, A Way To Be Fully Together Without Giving Up Yourself by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., The Good Marriage, How & Why Love Lasts by Judith Wallerstein & Sandra Blakeslee, A Relationship For A Lifetime, Everything You Need To Know To Create A Love That Lasts by Kelly E. Johnson, M.D., Extraordinary Relationships, A New Way Of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D., The Gift Of Therapy, An Open Letter To A New Generation Of Therapists And Their Patients by Irvin D. Yalom, M.D., The 8 Essential Traits Of Couples Who Thrive by Susan Page.

Details:

Interestingly, the last book written by Susan Page was the only book discovered that was not written by a professional. Susan is a Protestant minister. As Susan mentions at the beginning of her book, “I began to search the literature for books about happy marriages-but they all turned out to be about how to drag your awful relationship up out of the gutter and make it tolerable.” Unfortunately, though, she falls into the same trap as the others by writing about behavior modification without exploring the psychological causes of the behavior in the first place.

To be sure, there have been books published that look at correcting the causes of unhappiness caused by negative experiences, the first step in the process. Dr. Phil may have given up on relationship therapy but he did publish an innovative book entitled Self Matters that does ask the reader to look back at defining moments, critical choices and pivotal people who influenced the reader. If he would have only then concluded that the reader look at these experiences anew with the objective of overcoming their negative influences then the book may have finished the job of helping individuals find happiness.

Other books, such as No One Is To Blame, Getting A Loving Divorce From Mom & Dad by Bob Hoffman, Prisoners of Childhood by Alice Miller, and Forgiving Our Parents Forgiving Ourselves, Healing Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families by David Stoop, Ph.D. and James Masteller, D. Min. fortunately do all convey the same message of overcoming negative past history in order to progress.

To show you, though, the difficulty within the industry of accepting the most common sense notion clearly enunciated in these books, overcoming the impact of childhood on adulthood has still not been introduced into mainstream psychology. The concept of these books is still not used to help adult children or adults with children. The last three books have been published for over twenty years!

In addition, there exists within psychology the prejudice that the only people who can learn about relationship theory, psychology, etc. are those that are classically trained. Bob Hoffman, who was one of the first to practice the concept of getting over your childhood, was a tailor before getting into the business of helping others.

The difficulty in resolving this problem is most aptly and poignantly summed up by Dr. Hendrix when he states “love and anger are two sides of the same coin.” Unfortunately, this view, which permeates the entire psychological community, is the barricade to the solution. Following the analogy, love and anger are two coins, each battling for supremacy.

Psychologically speaking, each coin is trying to control the other. And the size of each coin is not stagnant. The emotions of love and anger are either growing or shrinking. Love is the unconscious emotion that results in the conscious feeling of happiness while fear, the unconscious emotion behind the feelings of anger and sadness results in unhappiness.

Yes, it is that simple. If the coin of anger or sadness overcomes the coin of love then the couple gets divorced. If both oscillate back and forth then the couple muddles along. The objective, though, is to take the coin of anger and/or sadness to the nearest pier and toss it as far as possible, never to return.

If we are going to get to the bottom of this problem then we must not teach the doctor how to think and feel but teach the patient how to think and feel. In today’s world the belief that the mind does not control the brain is simply naïve. We are not animals and should not be treated as such.

In fact, from a psychological perspective the greatest gift we have been given from God is our ability to think. After all, our consciousness exists because we are able to think. Animals do feel that is true. Simply observe a dog getting whipped by its owner or see its tail wag with reckless abandon when you return home from work and you will realize this.

Not only do animals feel, but they also have an unconscious. Observe an animal moving while it is sleeping. The animal is dreaming, proof that was used to discover the unconscious in humans. Also, fight or flight, the quest for food, etc. are all instincts common to all animals as they strive to survive.

Humans are “higher beings” because they have consciousness and they can think. A wonderful analogy to the mind/brain debate is the functioning of the semiconductor. The semiconductor does not work because transistors are connected together, but because of the software that controls the functioning of the hardware. The software is the analogy to the mind, while the hardware is the analogy to the brain. Without the mind the brain fails to function, in the same manner that a chip cannot function without the operating system and the application software. Define your own application software.

What is the most common sense notion of the objective of thinking? For individuals and couples to be happy. Again, yes it is that simple. The objective is not to behave, feel, then think, or feel, behave, and think, but to think, feel, and then behave. If the thinking is done from a positive perspective then the solution occurs. Turn around your priorities and you turn around your relationship. Divorce or just plain unhappiness is not the only option.

A medical diagnosis using the same line of reasoning as modern psychology, and keep in mind the reason the medical community exists is to solve our biological problems, would be something like this: “Well, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but you have cancer...and there is nothing we can do about it. You can, though, pay me $100 a week for the next year or two and we can talk about the way you feel about the cancer.”

Of course, nothing would be done about the cancer, itself, as it grows in your body. Cancer, like psychological problems, does not stay stagnant within your body, at least not without the wonderful medical treatments that have been discovered over the last century.