Getting To “I Do”, The Secret of Doing Relationships
Right By Patricia Allen, PhD.

Introduction:

Of all the relationship books used for research Getting To “I Do”, The Secret To Doing Relationships Right by Patricia Allen, Ph.D. was the only one that began with a concept of the psyche discovered by Dr. Carl Jung, the psychologist who did discover the workings of the active mind.

One of his basic psychological concepts is that within the mind of every man resides a feminine principle, called the anima; and within the mind of every woman resides a masculine principle, called the animus.

Dr. Allen even correctly identified the masculine principle as thinking and the feminine principle as feeling.

Details:

One of the most fundamental aspects of the positive relationship is psychological equality between the man and the woman that allows both to think and feel. She even comments about this when she states that she “developed a theory and strategy of accommodation to help men and women balance their feminine and masculine sides in an equitable exchange that did not conflict, allowing them to share their gifts equitably as a couple.” Fair enough.

She then comments, though, that today both people in the relationship want to think and feel, but in what becomes the foundation for her book she tries to argue that, in fact, men and women are back to where they started. You don’t get equality of thinking and feeling, but instead you have to choose, but only one of the two. One gets to do the thinking while the other the feeling. The difference between her theory and nineteenth century relationships is today we have a choice over which one.

For the most part, she discusses the positive relationship is where the man thinks and the woman feels. “For women, romance means fantasizing that a man cares so much about her that he feels responsible for her and will protect her, be generous to her, and take care of her feelings. He acts like ‘her man.’” In other words, the book elaborates that in this situation, the key to the positive relationship is for the man to understand the feeling side of the woman. Again, this makes sense.

“The other side of the deal is that even though she is as smart as he is, she will listen to his ideas, defer to his thinking, not challenge him, and not make him prove himself or make him feel inadequate. She becomes ‘his woman.’” Here the author is saying the key to her concept is that even though the woman is able to think, she should still defer to his judgment.

She concludes, “it’s ‘equity’ instead of ‘equality.’” The rest of the book simply elaborates that the key to the successful relationship is figuring out whether you are a masculine personality or a feminine personality, regardless of gender, which determines whether your priority is thinking or feeling. Unfortunately, the author comes close but not close enough to understanding the psychological concept of equality.

The book disintegrates into some real basic notions of how to behave depending on your psychological profile. The flow of the dialogue is pretty unequal in thought. For example, she requires the following pledges, respectively, to the masculine men and feminine women who attend her seminars. “I promise to cherish the women, kids, and animals in my life, even when they are irrational, irritating, and totally illogical,” is what she requires from the men. “I promise to respect my chosen man and his thoughts, suggestions, ideas, and plans, even when I know I’m smarter and can do it better,” is what she requires from the women.

She admits the book is basically written for women, so the steps she gives for getting married in a year are things like how to flirt, no sex without a commitment, exit moves, playing out your role, beware of equality, why masculine men do not bond the way feminine women do, when saying “no” is painful, when you’ve said no to casual sex, and he’s not calling back, etc.

Yes, real helpful stuff. Does she address arguments? In her section entitled “How to Handle Conflict” she discusses the differences between someone who thinks and someone who feels with the conclusion that the one who feels gets to feel and should let the one who thinks decide the logic.

Yes, this book is pretty touchy-feely stuff, with no further discussion of the working of the mind.